now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
