She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
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i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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