i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
