I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
