god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
