Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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