Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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