just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
he shaved USA in his pubs
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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