you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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