The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
