I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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