lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
