I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
