Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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