I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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