So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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