i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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