Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
