u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Green mimosas i think yes
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
