In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
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