I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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