Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Randomize
