broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
