Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
