if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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