I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Randomize
