I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
