my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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