see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
