At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
