So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
