I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
