Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
