Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
