We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
