I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
