You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
