so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
