Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
