o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
