Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
