Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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