I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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