just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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