I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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