yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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