i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
You may now shotgun with the bride
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
