Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
