Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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