cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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