We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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