Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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