From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
