The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
