my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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