He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
