Sry I called you an 8
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
