the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
