"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
