Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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