Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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