i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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